The psychological reasons why you fall in love with your colleagues

About 60% of adults have had a romance in the workplace.

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• You probably spend a good amount of time with your colleagues if you still work in an office.
• People form strong friendships, and this can often turn into love too.
• There are psychological reasons for this, and ways to work out if the romance is real.

For those who work in an office, you likely spend more hours of the day with your colleagues than you do your other friends, flatmates, or even your spouse.

When you tally up all that time, and the fact it takes about 200 hours to become best friends with someone, it's no surprise many people form close bonds with their workmates. Many people also have a "work spouse," who they constantly message, talk to about the stresses of work, and hang out with.

In a survey commissioned by Forbes Advisor, 60% of a 2,000-person sample said they'd experienced a romance in the workplace.

Data from an eHarmony survey of 2,000 people also found that 71% reported wanting to flirt with a coworker, and 53% had dated one. 

"Most adults spend a minimum of 1,680 hours per year in the office, so you are likely to spend more time with your coworkers than almost anyone else," David Brudö, CEO and cofounder of the mental well-being app Remente told Insider. "While you do not have a say in who your coworkers are, chances are that you will have common interests."

He added that working in an office gives you the opportunity to get to know someone in a way that you don't manage to as easily on "swipe right" dating apps.

This close interaction is becoming more common as employers start to roll back work-from-home policies implemented in the COVID-19 pandemic.

"Working with someone daily, you will see how they respond to a problem, act under pressure, and interact with other coworkers," Brudö said. "It is also easy to start sharing personal information and commiserating about difficulties faced in the office — perhaps over a lunch or after-work drinks."

Dating and relationship expert Gabriel Brenner told Insider working towards a common goal is also a bonding experience that can bring people together, "since you're communicating, cooperating, and sharing workload."

"In a sense, this time spent together can function as informal dating," he said. "Where people demonstrate their worthiness as a potential partner."

Some people are wary of dating a colleague, believing that romance and work just shouldn't mix. This taboo could be part of the attraction for some people.

"Depending on the work culture, a person who continues to feel attracted to their coworkers, may want to ask themselves whether they are truly attracted to their colleague or whether the experience of it being forbidden and not allowed is part of what is driving their desire," clinical psychologist Avigail Lev told Insider.

"If a person continues to form crushes on people at work that don't work out, it could mean that they are unconsciously seeking partners who are unavailable."

One of the most famous office romances was between Jim and Pam in "The Office."

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While fun, there are risks to work romances.

Some respondents to a survey by the British employment platform TotalJobs said they felt the pressure to act more professionally while in a work relationship, and others said they worried about gossip.

Some groups cited feeling judged by coworkers and found themselves the butt of jokes.

"Where office romances can be tricky is when you're trying to distinguish between power games, casual fun, and genuine interest," Brenner said. "For some, romance at the workplace can be a twisted sport. Where they will try to add as many notches to their belt as possible, in an often misguided attempt at building their sense of self-worth."

Angelika Koch, a dating and break-up expert for the queer dating app Taimi told Insider that it's important to consider several things when thinking about pursuing the romantic feelings you're developing for someone at work.

"The first thing to consider are the consequences," she said. "Every intimate relationship has its struggles. If you form a romantic relationship with another individual, and you begin to struggle in the relationship, then it will bring up problems within your workplace because you won't be able to get the space you need from your partner."

Your quality of your work, concentration, and peace of mind and mental health may all be impacted if the relationship hits a rocky patch. If you break up, then you're going to be in an environment where you see your ex every day.

"This can prolong the healing process and deepen the pain of breakup," Koch said.

Koch said it's also wise to consider if the feelings you've developed are real, or simply due to your close proximity to the person.

"One thing you can do to help you decide this is by writing down what you're looking for in a partner and a relationship, outside of this person, as well as what your life goals are," she said. "Once you have written everything out, reread the list and honestly answer if this person aligns with what you're wanting."

Overall, she said, an office relationship can be a "beautiful" experience, "if it is done carefully and thoughtfully."

This story was first published in May 2018, and was updated in July 2023 to include more experts and information.

Read the original article on Business Insider

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